dusty thoughts



all my thoughts are dusty
melancholy should have been my name
my parents decided on the name of the white dentist instead
the choice represented my mother’s hope that I would become an independent woman

after my mom pushed me out through her vagina
she saw my dark face
at that moment she knew that I could not be named after the white dentist
instead, they gave me the name of a princess from a faraway land

my whole life I think I’ve been longing for the life of the independent one
trapped on the shoes of the princess
I am the one that papa will save
the one that exists lo love
 in an unhealthy possessive way

all my thoughts are dusty
covered with the rests of every little dream that I let die
rocked by a longing for other times
times that I don’t know
but that I got used to imagining as better and brighter
than my now

my thoughts easily relate to what is not here
they want to belong to someone that I am not
they want to draw a fantasy land where who I want to be exists
there the dreamed me is fulfilled, capable, big

all my thoughts are dusty
am I not capable of being here and now?

it is time to acknowledge:
no one will come to save me
if I want to think
to truly think
here and now
if I want to become a part of the world
I need to find a way to shake my dusty thoughts

I do not have the illusion that I can wash them once and for all
It has been more than three decades of existing longing for the other that I am not
I must remember that you cannot get rid of something of that immensity with one waterfall bath
it might be worth to start learning maintenance
It might make sense to look for my broom, my dreams, my courage, my face, my flaws
and let them be seeds of my life

 

                                                                                                                                     hugs and until next time  

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